


Life of a Dirt Muppet

by CeNedraRiva



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Background Character Death, F/M, Gen, Holistic assassin, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 18:36:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10950372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeNedraRiva/pseuds/CeNedraRiva
Summary: Bart didn’t often think about the past. It all got hazy pretty quick between the constant deaths and whatever those science people had tried to do to her when she was trapped. They were most all dead now, none of her concern.The future didn’t worry her either. The universe carried her, like a leaf on the wind, to exactly wherever she needed to be and exactly whoever needed to die.Nah. All that mattered was the present, and whatever was nearest.A gun.A snack.A car.A machete.And then the universe brought her Ken.





	Life of a Dirt Muppet

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the DGHDA Beginner Bang! With art by Ganceann!

 

Bart didn’t often think about the past. It all got hazy pretty quick between the constant deaths and whatever those science people had tried to do to her when she was trapped. They were most all dead now, none of her concern.

The future didn’t worry her either. The universe carried her, like a leaf on the wind, to exactly wherever she needed to be and exactly whoever needed to die.

Nah. All that mattered was the present, and whatever was nearest.

A gun.

A snack.

A car.

A machete.

Clean clothing.

An ice pick.

Rain.

Barbed wire.

A fence spike.

It wasn’t like she could be hurt. Just existing was enough, following that instinct that led her wandering through busy streets in blood-soaked clothes. The same instinct that made her taunt a particular man dressed in a suit until he pulled a gun and tried to shoot her.

Nothing happened, of course, until she got the gun. Then the people were screaming and she kept walking.

She remembered weapons better than people. Four dead by a small pistol. One dead by a barbecue skewer. Countless dead from hundreds of rocks. One stone had been sparkly, metallic with red and green bits. She had kept it, only to lose it when murdering some guy on a boat. She missed that rock.

She remembered learning to drive. The science men had tried to teach her, for a bit. Four of them had died before they gave up. Once she decided to leave, she practiced some more with cars she found. It was a pretty good way to travel. Walking took too long, and it was boring. Tiring, too.

She remembered the weird potato chip things. They were the best thing she’d ever tasted, covered in these red dots and green bits, all crunchy and salty. She had never found a new packet of them anywhere, once the ones she had ran out.

She remembered the moment she first heard of Dirk Gently. One of the science guys – dead by electrocution – had mentioned him. At the time she hadn’t cared. It wasn’t like names mattered to the universe anyway. People who needed to be dead would die, even if she never knew their names. Until her dream a few months ago, she had forgotten the name completely. Now, bits were coming back.

She was certain Dirk Gently wasn’t dead. He wasn’t one of the science guys, or the men with guns. She hadn’t looked in any of the other cells when she left, so he could have been in one of them. Or maybe he was one of the people who wore suits. It was hard to remember exactly. Things had gotten very messy, very quickly.

If he wasn’t dead, Bart would kill him. That had to be why she remembered him now. The universe wanted him dead.

Dirk Gently had to die.

It was interesting, having a goal. Something to aim for. Usually the universe just provided whatever she needed, or brought her to whoever needed to die. Not so with Dirk Gently. His death was important. Significant.  Not like the guys she usually killed. She had to find him herself. She just knew it.

Somehow, things were different now. People didn’t die just because the universe wanted them to. They died because the universe wanted Bart to kill Dirk Gently, and their deaths were gonna help get to that. Food came more often. Cars too, but clothing wasn’t as good. Dean people kept getting their blood all over it. She hated that. Blood itched like mad when it dried into your clothing.

Remembering faces was still difficult, though. What was the point? Every person she met was going to die soon, probably because of her.

Bart got close sometimes. Knew with every bit of her body that Dirk Gently was nearby. A graffiti covered van hovered nearby, several men standing by it dressed in black, but Bart didn’t step towards them. They didn’t turn to her. They didn’t matter. A girl in a wool coat had caught her eye. Bart followed her until the girl snarled, spinning to attack with a large knife.

Bart didn’t end up keeping the coat long, despite the cold. The blood made it go funny – all crackly and smelly.

The weather was getting warm again when she found a new machete. A good one, too. Real sharp. The next day, she found a car. One with a still-hot drink. Coffee. Obviously, she was doing something right.

Although, the fuel was running out quick. The car stopped working as she reached the end of a long pier, right next to a large man with unhinged eyes. Throwing the rest of the coffee into his face, she sliced into him, blinking the blood from her eyes.

She glanced around once he was dead. There was nothing at all around, except for a small building and the sea. But, this was the right place. This was exactly where she needed to be, she could feel it. She was close. There, by the building, a man typing into a computer.

This was it. She had found him.

Dirk Gently.

Apparently Dirk Gently was a fast runner. Her lungs were beginning to burn, her legs trembling as she slid to the floor. Bart panted, gasping for breath on the ground, scowling at the man just out of reach. Why wouldn’t he just stay still and die? She hadn’t put this much effort into a kill in years.

“Dirk Gently! You are a dead man!” Her voice nearly cracked as she spoke, her throat still burning.

The man seemed confused, scared. He looked tired, too. Damn it! If she’d been a little faster, she could have caught him!

“Who’s…who’s Dirk Gently?” he gasped out. She scowled, glancing over his trembling form. He didn’t seem to be lying. Could she have been wrong? He was the only one around. He had to be Dirk Gently. Except, he wasn’t dead yet. Maybe she wasn’t meant to kill him. Maybe this was someone else.

“You’re not Dirk Gently?”

“No.”

“What? You’re kidding me right now, then why did you run?”

“You have a machete!”

Oh, yeah. That was probably pretty scary to a not-immortal like this guy. She forgot sometimes.

“Why didn’t you say you aren’t Dirk Gently?”

“Because I don’t know who that is!”

She frowned, shifting to roll one shoulder. It was a fair point. Not everyone knew him. It was a little weird that this person didn’t know him, considering her hunch. Still, the universe hadn’t led her wrong so far. If this wasn’t Dirk Gently, then obviously he would help her find him. Didn’t matter in the end if he knew the guy or not. This was his purpose. That had to be why he was able to stay alive.

It was decided. Bart would keep him.

* * *

 

If the universe wanted someone dead, they’d die.

Ken didn’t die.

The first time he lived was surprising. Nice, really. That he chose to get in the car rather than die. She hadn’t – she hadn’t really had a chance to talk to anyone in a long, long time.

Ken was a bit like that last guy. Good to talk to. He seemed pretty freaked, especially after she killed people, but he calmed down quick and got back in the car. He didn’t understand – she could see that, easy – but he didn’t complain or anything. He didn’t call her crazy, or scream, or struggle.

The car stopped.

It was as good a time as any to get some answers. Ken got real chatty as soon as she had a gun pointed at him. Pretty interesting stuff. A rogue electrician doing illegal stuff. Though she still had no clue how this would help her find Dirk Gently.

* * *

Ken was nervous.

The biker guy was working on the car, and Ken looked like the only thing that was keeping him from bolting into the middle of the woods was the fact that he knew she’d shoot him before he got 20 feet.

Bart shifted, leaning against a tree to keep him in her sight. He was her best lead on Dirk Gently. She wasn’t going to lose him now, just because he got a little scared.

Fiddling in her pocket, she found the last of her raisins. The biker guy didn’t look like he was about to die. Seems like they were gonna be here for a while.

 Wait. Was Ken asking for a cab? She snorted, ducking her head.

Ken walked back. He flinched as she stepped closer, holding out her hand.

“Want some raisins?”

“No,” he snapped. He seemed to think about it for a second. “Yes. I haven’t eaten in 24 hours.”

Bart grinned.

She liked it here. The trees smelt better than most dead guys, or the city. It was quiet, too. Sort of peaceful. Out here you could really see the chaos, the way it all began to mix and twist until it synchronised. They all grew different, trees looking the same but each one completely new and different to the others. It was all a mess. It was all co-ordinated.

She tried to explain it to Ken again. The way the universe carried her to her next target. Dirk Gently. Why she was hunting him.

Ken still didn’t get it. She could see the disbelief in his eyes. But there was something different. Some twist to his lips, like he was – was enjoying her enthusiasm. It made her grin bigger.

She was really starting to enjoy his company.

Although. The biker guy was getting annoying. She had to kill him, so they could move on.

“No, no, no! Wait!” Ken stepped to block her, reaching for her arm. She frowned.

“What?”

“We – you – you can’t murder him.”

“Why not?”

Ken glanced over his shoulder, then back to her. Swallowed.

“He’s helping us.”

She nearly laughed again. Helping? It was obvious this guy was gonna die.

Well, Ken had given her a few laughs. She supposed she could let the biker guy live, if that was what Ken wanted. For a while, at least. It wasn’t like he knew any better, yet. He didn’t understand that the guy would die either way. Whichever way they chose to act, whatever she tried to do, it was exactly what she needed to do to kill him.

It was pretty dark out by the time Ken let her kill the guy. She made a point of it, letting him get a gun right in her face. The shots failed, of course. A few seconds later, she had the guy dead on the floor.

She could see Ken’s eyes were wide with something like awe.

“Oh my, oh my – oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Did you just dodge a bullet?”

“Nah,” she snorted. “Bullet dodged me. I can’t be hurt. The universe won’t allow it. Only constants are me, and gravity. I’m special that way.”

“This is insame,” Ken murmured. Pocketing the last of the cash from the dead guy, she turned to face him. Swaggered until she stood just in front of him, faces inches apart. He was braced, ready as if she was about to attack.

Slowly, deliberately, she made a show of checking the gun. Resetting the chambers. Pointing it to her head.

Ken flinched at the click of the trigger. Watched as she turned it out to the forest, only for the next shot to ring out across the woods.

To her head.

Epty.

To the forest.

Bang.

Her head one last time.

Still empty. Of course.

Towards the forest.

Boom.

The final shot rang out for a few seconds. Small forest things were hiding silent in the shadows.

“What do you know?” she stated, matter of fact. With a shrug, she turned back to the car. Since the biker had fixed it, they could be on their way again.

Ken was still standing where she left him, staring after her. Interesting. For a guy so scared, he didn’t seem to care one way or the other about the dead guy now leaning against the front of the car.

“You said you kill whoever you meet?” he asked.

“That’s right,” she confirmed, gesturing at the corpse.

“I’m still here,” he whispered. “You haven’t killed me yet.”

She grinned, opening the car door. He was beginning to catch on.

“That’s true. Must mean you’re special too.”

The universe definitely had a plan for him.

* * *

 

When she woke up stripped bare and tied to a pillar in the middle of nowhere, she was certain Ken was going to die. It was a shame, really. Ken seemed like a nice kind of person, the kind that got killed by the people she killed. He was funny. He knew things, like the words to songs on the radio.

She was glad the universe gave him to her, even if only for a short time. It had been nice.

She was gonna miss him.

But.

Ken didn’t die. He didn’t die.

She got to keep him.

“You. You knew this was gonna happen.” Ken murmured.

Bart glanced at him, before going back to rummaging in the bags.

“Well, not this, but something like this, sure.”

“It’s real, isn’t it. It’s all real. You really are what you say you are. Some kind of – killer angel!”

She frowned, raising one eyebrow.

“Angel?” Ken didn’t respond, still staring at her with that same sort of awe. She shrugged. Maybe she was an angel. Maybe that was the name for what she was. “I really am what I say I am.”

“And I – I’m really with you for a reason. My life, it’s happening for a reason.”

“Maybe, yeah.”

“You have to find Dirk Gently.”

Bart paused, turning to face him properly.

“We need to kill Dirk Gently,” she clarified.

* * *

 

The ambulance ran out of gas in the city. Bart grinned to Ken as he got out, moving to spring out of the back door. Except—

Except—

There was something wrong. There was no one nearby. No one interesting, at least. No one who needed to die. No Dirk Gently.

“Is everything alright? Is something gonna happen?”

Bart ducked her head, eyes darting around the street nearly frantic. There was nothing. No one. No hunch. No attack.

She nibbled at her fingernails in agitation.

“Something’s weird. There’s no – there’s no Dirk Gently here.”

“Well, it’s a big city—”

“No, the city doesn’t matter. Either I go to the target, or the target comes to me. The city’s just a backdrop.”

Ken didn’t get it. She could see it. He believed about the holistic side, but he didn’t really get it.

“So, I – I’m gonna stand here until something happens.” It always worked before. Well, not quite the same. She’d never stopped and had no clue what to do next. Usually the target appeared immediately, or she knew she was meant to stay. This – this was just bizarre.

* * *

 

Maybe this was why the universe brought Ken to her. Not for finding Dirk Gently, but as a reward for getting close. A promise of things to come. Better, hot food. And softer places to sleep. She still couldn’t believe they could actually buy a heap of rooms – actual rooms, with a shower! – just for sleeping in.

It was when she was in the shower that she realised. Here she was, in a completely different room, without a single weapon to hold against Ken’s throat, and he was still here. He wasn’t running. He was choosing to be here. With her. To help her.

Maybe. Maybe he could even stay for longer. After they killed Dirk Gently.

* * *

In the end, it was pretty easy to find him. She was just walking around, Ken subdued from their argument but still following, when who should be screaming out his name but Dirk Gently himself!

There. There! The guy in the green jacket.

Finally!

Her first shot missed. She hadn’t noticed immediately, climbing onto the front of the car, but there he was. Alive and cowering. The second shot missed, too.

And then he was running. She frowned, moving to follow him at walking pace. She hated running. And it wasn’t like he was going to get away. This just wasn’t the right shot.

The next shot missed.

The fourth missed.

The fifth.

Why wasn’t he dead yet? This was – this must be why she had to kill him. The universe needed a bit of help.

Was it the gun? Was it the wrong weapon?

Bart followed as Dirk ran up the stairs, and still he lived!

“Stop running!”

Dirk spun to face her, pressed up against the glass barrier that ended the top of the stairs.

“Not much choice!” he replied, gesturing to the barrier. Lifting the gun, she wasn’t too surprised to see him immediately start to beg for his life. She nearly sighed in relief. This was what most people did when they met her, when they were about to die. The next shot would kill him. She just knew it.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this!” he cried out.

“You’re supposed to die! I’m supposed to kill you! Everything led me here! To you! To This! Everything is connected.”

She paused. Dirk Gently had just said the exact same thing as she had.

“That’s…different,” he murmured.

His eyes were still wide, still scared, but she could see this spark of interest in there now. The same she could feel building up inside. Slowly, he stood as she lowered her gun. This was – he was—

“You’re one of the others,” they spoke in perfect synchrony. “You’re like me! You’re…not like me. You’re something different. You—”

“Dirk!”

Suddenly, a woman was there. She knocked the gun from Bart’s hand in one second, and in the next there was—

Pain! Her leg! Her head! She was falling—

No! All wrong, bad, bad, bad, it hurt – it hurt! She shrieked, vaguely aware of Ken’s hands on her shoulders. It didn’t matter. Everything was wrong!

The universe was broken. She had strayed. This wasn’t her path! She was being punished. It hurt.

Bart realised they were back in the hotel room. There was a terrible noise echoing across the room. Ken was doing something, pressing at the stab wound, and ohhh – she was screaming again.

Why? Whywhywhywhy? What did she do wrong? Pain, pain, nonononono—

It was all wrong. Wrong.

Dirk Gently was like her. The universe saved him. She had chosen wrong. She’d ruined everything.

Bart was in the tub.

“Get this thing out of my leg!” she cried. Ken was by her side in an instant.

“I, uh, read on the internet that you’re not supposed to—”

“I don’t care what the stupid rectangle tells you to do!” she groaned. “If I’m supposed to die, I will.”

Ken was still hesitating. Bart swallowed, trying to push back the pain for a second.

“I’m not going to go to the hospital,” she continued. “I give up. Just do it. I give up.”

“You get hurt once, and you give up?” he responded, incredulous.

He still didn’t understand, did he?

“I can’t get hurt, I’m always safe. I can’t get hurt!”

“Yeah, well a rollercoaster’s safe too, until it goes off the tracks.”

She scowled up at him, through the pain.

“What – what d-do you even know about it? This?”

“You assumed too much, Bart,” he stated, matter of fact. “You say you kill whoever you feel like killing. Did you feel like killing Dirk Gently right then?”

“He was – he was yelling and – he was there, and – I mean, it – it felt different, but—” Was this the whole reason? It wasn’t Dirk Gently’s time to die. Was that why the universe let her get hurt? “I knew, I thought – I thought – I knew I—”

“That’s what I thought,” Ken sighed, his voice low. It was calming, a bit. “You shoot up a mall in the middle of the day, and we just happen to get away? I walk you into a crowded hotel lobby, with a knife in your leg, and we just happen to not get noticed? It’s the universe. The stream of creation. I’ve seen it, I don’t need to understand. I believe, and I believe in you, Bart.”

 “Y-you talk to me. A lot.”

Ken smiled for a second, before going serious again.

“Look. We’re gonna get you out of this tub, find you some clothes without—” he gestured to her leg— “without blood on them, and we’ll get you a weapon, and we’ll get out there, follow the web of the universe, so that you can do what you’re supposed to do!”

She nodded, shakily.

“K-kill Dirk Gently.”

“Or something,” he shrugged. “Okay? Okay. But first—”

In one smooth movement, Ken reached down, gripping the knife and removing it.

It was really only his own fault he got punched. He was the one who stayed within arm’s reach.

* * *

 

Gunshots echoed across the house, but she didn’t care. Across the room was Dirk Gently, bleeding out from two arrows stabbing him through. There was a girl, a different guy, and two men with crossbows. She killed them both quick, stepping forwards to stand above Dirk Gently.

One bullet left. She’d do it right this time.

“Bart. Bart!” Ken called, patting her arm. She blinked, looking over to see what got him so excited.

It was a thing. A weird, lumpy, metal thing.

“Bart! This is the thing those guys hired me for, the day you found me!”

Oh. Interesting. She glanced to Dirk for a second – he wasn’t going anywhere – then back to Ken.

“And this thing? This is the thing they hired me to build!”

“Can you fix it?” the girl asked.

Ken looked like he was about to start squealing or something.

“Yes. Yes, I can fix this! It’s my – my destiny.”

Ken’s destiny. So was this what the universe wanted her to keep him for? To fix the thing? This was – it wasn’t so they could travel together or anything? Just so he could get here and fix the thing?

It took about 10 minutes to fix the machine. Bart spent the time walking around the room, poking the various other things. There was a lot of dust down here.  A lot of weird stuff. Bits of electrical things, wires, lightbulbs, some weird glass things. All pretty interesting, sort of like the forest. At first it looked like chaos, but look closer and there was an order here.

Dirk Gently was writing a note. As Ken stepped back from the fixed machine, he moved to place the note inside it, leaning heavily on the crank. Bart lifted the gun to his jaw.

She had to do this right. Dirk was one of the others. She could only kill him if she really, really wanted it.

Did she want him enough? If the universe didn’t agree, no number of point blank shots would make a difference.

There was a sound by the door.

Spinning, she killed another of the bald guys, using up her final bullet.

Dirk glanced between her and the new corpse. Bart frowned, turning to fire the gun into Dirk’s chest.

Click, click, click, click. Nothing but empty space and air. Dirk wasn’t – he wasn’t going to die, was he? That wasn’t why the universe had carried her here.

“Okay. Bye, Dirk.” She turned back to Ken. “Let’s get out of here. These people are nutjobs.”

Walking out of the house, a few people died. Ken followed along behind her, checking their pockets.

They drove away just as a black van drove up.

* * *

 

“So. That guy. Dirk Gently. You weren’t supposed to kill him. You were supposed to protect him. Bet it’s the first time that’s happened.”

“I was supposed to get you there too, so you could do the thing. And you did the thing, and now that you did it, maybe you’re gonna leave, and—” Bart cut herself off, looking out across the water. “Like. You did your destiny, or whatever. And now that you did it, maybe you’re gonna go, and—” why was it so difficult to just say what she wanted to say? Ask him to stay with her? Ken made so much stuff better. And he was always talking, and asking questions, and giving her hot food.

“You do whatever you want, because, I kidnapped you, and – and it must have been really bad for you – you know I didn’t think about your feelings, and all that?”

Ken just looked sort of confused. Was any of this getting through?

“I don’t want you to go away.” It was barely a whisper. “I think…”

Ken put the food down, turning to face her properly.

“Hey, um,” he began. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He wasn’t? He wanted to stay?

A bark of laughter burst out of her chest, and Bart threw herself forwards to hug him. Ken was staying. He was staying!

* * *

 

Bart didn’t think much about the past. She didn’t need to. The universe would provide whatever she needed. Ken made everything it gave even better.

However, she couldn’t help but wonder if she should have killed more of the army guys when she broke out the first time.

Standing in front of the taxi, they were surrounded by nearly a hundred soldiers and a tank, and she had only a large rock as a weapon. Most of these people were gonna die. She would be fine. The universe wanted it that way.

But, what about Ken?

There was always gonna be another person who needed to die, but how often did the universe need a guy to fix a weird machine? Was this it? Was he gonna die too?

Bart could feel his eyes in the back of her head. He was trusting her – the universe acting through her – to protect him.

She swallowed. Nodded. It the universe wanted her to keep him, he wouldn’t die now. She had to trust the universe too.

As she walked forwards, a stray shot rang out, killing a solider instantly. Nervous fire. The men seemed to panic as she got closer and closer, and suddenly there was the barking of hundreds of shots, bodies hitting the ground. The battle had already begun.

 

 


End file.
